I listen as he speaks
A thousand senseless, convoluted words
Anger coloring them until they are bright red and hot to the touch
I listen to the voice of an uncomprehending man
One that puts a wall up around his wrong opinions
One that puts the blame on everyone or anyone
Around him, to solve the problem of his life
I like it when he smiles. It makes me happy
To think that for some period in time, he is actually happy
Because the lines between his eyes seem permanently etched
In the face of a man who has some obvious demons
And I sit and I listen to the anger inside of him bubble and retch
Until they explode from him onto the woman who has
Stood by, through everything
I respect her, look up to her.
But I can’t help thinking that I will never let this happen to me
I will not put myself through sleepless nights
Wondering where my husband has driven in a drunken stupor
I will not let a man mentally scar my children
Or myself. She says she loves him. I believe her, have to
Or face the let down of my life.
The beer can, also known as the fifth member of our family
The illegitimate child, the one that no one would ever hear about
The one that some see, but others choose to ignore
Or better yet, excuse away
As it is, I can’t seem to let myself look away
Or leave
I force myself to watch the ups and downs of the parents I love
Hoping with all my heart that I’m not watching
It all fall apart
Deep down, I know it won’t
My mother loves him too much, and would rather not be alone
And I know my father loves her too
But he just doesn’t quite know how to show it all the time
Life would be near-perfect I think
Without that fifth member, the one that my father loves
Dearly, because without it, he feels like he
Cannot cope with the world around him
A worthy companion, one that doesn’t let him down
Not that we have, but someone must have
The cans stack up, higher in the bins
“Why do you drink daddy?” I ask one day
He replies with that certain tilt of the head and a
“It’s a social thing.”
Why then daddy, are you the only one doing it?
He is blind to the reality of the problem
Can’t handle the day to day parenting
That my mother must cope with herself
Doesn’t have the tools necessary to realize that
Life has problems, and you have to fix them
And it sucks, but you do it anyway
And conflict is daily, and just part of life on earth
Not something to get frustrated by
That it’s not okay to break things when you’re angry
Although, I know to be grateful it’s not me he’s breaking
Because I know that others don’t have
The luxury of not being abused
And I’m grateful that I have a dad, and that
When that fifth member is absent
And he’s doing what he loves
He is a magnificent father.
And I love him
But when I go to say goodnight to him
And lay beside him for a moment
Looking into those wise brown eyes
That can’t quite focus on me,
I wonder
Why?
